Bill: Well, Mr. Rogers and I don't really hang out too much. He's really more of a mentor than a friend. He calls me up every week or so and says "That drag show you did was too much" or "That girl you're dating gives really bad head" but we don't go out drinking or anything.
Aimee: Well, that's nice to know. What is a typical saturday night like for you these days, judging from what a stud you used to be?
Bill: Well, really, you know, I more or less just stare at my poster-sized naked picture of Jim Norris and think about what used to be.
Aimee: Wow, that's rough. I hear that you wrote a new song, could you tell us a little about it?
Bill: Well, it's called "I Like Pie" and it's really about how much Anderson High School Drama has gone down the toilet since I left. My favorite line is "Simpkins/Where did you go/Into the pie?"
Aimee: Last we heard you were encouraging girls who wanted you to fall in love with them only to be broken-hearted when it doesn't work out to email you. what was the outcome of this.
Bill: I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Could you rephrase?
Aimee: Well, a while back you went through some bad relationships, and were about to make a movie about your life. Did you have anymore adventures to add to your lifestory that you would like to tell us about?
Bill: Yes (although I still don't understand that email part). The continuing adventures involve me as an American Solider in Germany in World War 2. There's a really good bit in it where I have sex with a little frauline. And it's all true, I swear.
Aimee: Here is what I referred:
Since graduating High School he has had oneBill: I understand, now. Nobody has taken me up on the offer. Still hoping, though.
relationship that ended very badly and is very depressed about that.
Females who wish for Bill to fall horribly in love with them only to be
broken-hearted when it doesn't work out are encouraged to email him at Sensurround@anti-earth.org He plans to make a film about his life someday,and, if your relationship with him is horrible enough, you may be a character in it.
Aimee: Yes, I hear you are now the president of the Max Freudenberg fan club. What inspired you to form this club?
Bill: Well, Max has always been a cool cat, you know? Down to Earth. None of this gay business. Really hates his brother, like me. It just seemed to be a good move.
Aimee: Wow, that's great. I'm sure you have lots of members. could you tell us a little more about yourself for those who arent already familiar with your accomplishments.
Bill: Well, I won the 1942 Best Supporting Actor Emmy for my work in "Pie is great." I'm 16 time world champion of the WWF and I plan to run for president in the year 2016
Aimee: Super! spit or swallow?
Bill: Which do I prefer or which do I do?
Aimee: Your choice.
Bill: I prefer swallowing. I, myself, can't swallow. Gag reflex. I have to spit.
Aimee: that's tough. If you could have only one, would you pick beauty or brains?
Bill: I have both. Why would I need to choose?
Aimee: would you live with a man before marriage?
Bill: a man? I am right now. A woman.. oh yes.
Aimee: If you could talk to a well known dead guy, who would you choose?
Bill: Eric Sears, out of love.
Aimee: In your last book, you talked about your fear of the decline of the monkey population. I was touched by your observations. Could you tell us a little about your cause?
Bill: Well, I have this monkey. His name is Xanadu and he sits around, wearing vests and smoking lucky strikes all day. One day, I got home from teaching a class ("Introduction to Underpants and Pie") and Xanadu was watching this nature show on TV, talking about how all these monkies are smoking too much and getting lung cancer. He started crying. Then I cried. We've really got to get repirators for these monkies.
Aimee: That's awful, but what a wonderful name for a monkey, probalby named after the most wonderful movie ever made. Wow, you really are a caring thing. what kind of music do you listen to?
Bill: Mostly I just listen to "Copa Cabana" over and over and over again, but in a pinch, They Might Be Giants will do.
Aimee: oh, a manilow fan as well. he is my hero. Do you write any poetry or anything? I mean what do you do when you need to let out frustration?
Bill: I
masturbate a lot. My monkey helps. I write poetry about it. My most recent
goes like this:
"Monkey with my thing
in it's hand/I'm glad you don't use any sand/as lubraction/for that would
hurt/a lot"
Aimee: Bill what an exciting life you have! Finally, is there anything else that you think would be worth mentioning to all the readers out there. Anything I should have asked but didn't?
Bill: Look for my new film "Life with my pants" out in theatres this fall! And keep on wrestling!