A: Yes, I am indeed the new Assistant
Editor of Aimée's Newsletter. I
love it! The power of the position is a bit
overwhelming at times,
though. I have to keep reminding myself,
"Erin, you may be the new
Assistant Editor of Aimée's Newsletter,
but you're still human. You're
not a super hero." You know? I
got the position because you felt sorry
for me.
Q: I hear that you're also a fellow liker
of cheese, and were actually
publishing a novel on the subject. I
would also like to hear a little
bit about it.
A: Yes, Aimée. Thank You
for asking about it. I believe that cheese
(be it provolone, swiss, Hell, even cheddar)
has a time and a place.
Many people believe that cheese belonmgs on
just about everything! Even
pizza! This is not so. Cheese
should be used sparingly and only on
foods such as oranges, apples and occasionally
watermelon. My novel,
Cheese Don't Like to be Treated That Way,"
discusses in
more detail the correct uses for various types
of cheeses.
Q: How do you feel about Mentos... the Freshmaker?
A: I adore the minty ones, but the fruity
ones, I believe, are
conspiring against me. I swear they
talk about me when I walk past them
on the store shelf.
Q: If you could be anyone in the world, who would it be and why?
A: Whoa, tough one. But I shall
try my best. I would be Miss Piggy
from the Muppets. She is chubby but
hunky Kermit still loves her. Plus,
she can kick some serious ass when somebody
pisses her off.
Q: How do you feel about Matt Freudenberg?
I know you recently joined
his fanclub.
A: Matt is my day and my night.
He makes me laugh he makes me cry. He
hates me and I don't care. I joined
the fanclub because I was bored.
Q: What is your favorite word, why is this?
A: My favorite word would have to be
mushy. No explanation needed.
Q: If you could TP anyones house, who's
would it be and why?
A: I would TP Jeff Krause's house because
it would be funny to watch
him waddle around, cussing the whole time,
and clean it up. Also, I
hater him.
Q: I heard that you were recently in
an independant feature film,
could you tell me about it.
A: Yes, Aimée. The film
that I starred in was called, A Girl
Who Has Long Hair With Nothing Important
To Do." It will be
released in May. I think that it is
probably the best film that you will
ever see. I really make my character
believable.
Q: Did you know that Cleopatra was part
Greek, part, Iranian, and
part Macedonian, and in fact not an Egyptian?
A: Nope. I don't know if I wanted
to hear that. She sounds cooler if
she's all Egyptian. Thanks a lot, Aimée.
Now I won't be able to sleep
tonight!
Q: I heard you're an expert in astrology,
could you tell me where you
get your facts and what you do to get them?
A: I get my facts from my brain.
I never study or read about other
astrologers' findings. I just listen
to my beautiful brain and it tells
me what is happening in the sky.
Q: I was expecially impressed to find
out that in addition to
astrology, you are a rabies expert.
Could you tell us a little about this?
A: Yes, rabies is my life.
My mom has rabies, my dad has rabies, I
have rabies. It is a fascinating disease.
It can be quite dangerous,
though, when allowed to get out of control.
If someone with rabies
should bite you, don't panic--just put a band-aid
on the wound and drink
a lot of rubbing alcohol. That should
do the trick.
Q: I heard that you turned Bill Laird
has your pants, could you tell
us how he got them?
A: Well, this is actually a very humorous
story. He came to my house
while I was sleeping, climbed up to my open
window, came in and stole a
pair of my pants. Why, I do not know.
I suppose he just wanted a little
piece of Heaven.. Who can bleme him.
I think it's really kind of
sweet.
Q: Do you know how Greg Waugh got a butt
print on his window?
A: Yes, he pulled his pants down and
stuck his butt up against the
window. It was really very serious.
We had to call the paramedics and
have them pry his cheeks off the freezing
panel of glass. It's kind of a
touchy subject with him, so I would keep it
quiet if I were you.
Q: So, you were Gustav Klimpt in another
life. Can you tell me how
you know this?
A: I hear the voices. Believe me.
I know.
Q: Tell me honestly, is the rumor that
you were proposed to by Tom
Cruise really true?
A: Yes, Aimée, it is true.
I, of course, turned him down because, as
you may well know, I have my own hunk of a
man who happens to be better
than ten Tom Cruises. However, Tom has
asked me to find a replacement
wife and I, being the generous and compassionate
human being that I am,
agreed. How would you like to
marry Tom?
Q: Is there anything else that you would like to add?
A: Yes. This is for everyone
reading this. If you are ugly, there is
always someone uglier. If you are stupid
there is always someone
stupider. But if you are Erin Dorsey
you are a goddess.