*Author's note: This story makes no sense.  This story is almost totally non-factual.  Any similarities between people and events, real and imagined, are purely coincidental.  However, if you choose to disregard this note and take the story as fact, I won't hold that against you. Perhaps someone will even read this and start the Knights of Christianity United against Freudenberg (KCUF).  That would be kind of neat, so go ahead and believe every word of this story.  It's all true.  Every word.

        How Matt Freudenberg Destroyed My Life It was the third day of June, in the year 1997.  I had just arrived in Cincinnati for a day of rest and relaxation.  The sun was shining, and life was good.  Two days earlier, it had been June first, and being June first, it was itself.  But on this day, June third, it was all about today.  And so I went forth from my car, and I walked through the park, at which I had just arrived.  Heading there earlier, I was now there, and so I could go forth from my car, which I did.  Unbeknownst to me, a  dire evil was also in the park that day.  Routinely, for it was my routine to do so, I walked for about half an hour before I sat down on the grass to my right.  The grass was on the ground, actually.  To my right, there was only air, or I would have bumped into whatever else had been there when I went in that direction.  But the direction was my right, and the grass was under where I ended up, and so the grass was to my right as well.  And so I sat upon it, and then I laid back.  I was in no position to lay forward, and so laying back is what I did.  As I lay back, my gaze rose in an arc which I actually could describe with a formula, but I won't, until my gaze was upon the sky, as that was what was above me as I lay there.  There were things in the sky that day.  Not strange or extraordinary things, unless you count birds and clouds and airplanes as extraordinary, which, if you stop to think about it, you really should.  No, they were just birds and clouds and airplanes, and they were in the sky.  Every once in a while, there would be something else in the sky, but it was nothing I could see.  A smell, wafting along through the air.  It was pure and sweet and pleasant.  It was the kind of scent that really makes you glad you have the ability of olfaction.  I never did find out what the smell was, or where it was coming from, and it's really not important, except for you to understand how perfect the day was.  As I mentioned earlier, however, there was a malignant evil in the park that day.  An evil black and cold. The kind of evil that you read about in fairy tales.  The kind of evil that you associate with the likes of evil people all over the world.  Evil that makes you shudder and scream and dream evil dreams and...well...you get the idea.  I was minding my own business, staring at a squirrel or a chipmunk or some other pesky rodent which was sitting on a nearby tree limb, when it happened.  It was nothing but a simple breeze, some might say.  But to me, it was death.  For the evil one had breathed.  And his breath had been delivered to me upon that breeze.  And something he had eaten, or something he had come in contact with, had come with it, and upon reaching me, for reach me it did, I had an extreme allergic reaction, and now, here I sit, writing this damning note, so you may prehaps avoid my fate.  Here I sit, and there are no tree limbs, or squirrels.  There are no beautiful smells.  In fact, sitting here, in my own filth, I wish I hadn't the gift of olfaction, after all, although truly a gift it is for most...for me, it is now a curse.  Once, it was a gift for me, too, but no longer.  Here I sit, and there are no birds, and there are no clouds, and there are no airplanes.  Oh sweet mystery of flight!  Here I sit, damned to live my last days in a hospital, under quarantine.  There really is no reason to quarantine me, for I am not contagious.  But I have become so hideous, that no-one wants to be around me, and so here I am, under quarantine.  It would have been much more justice if the evil one had simply come around and shot me, but no.  No, he wafted his foul putrescence at me, and now I am destined to die in an agony which should not befall anyone.  And I have just one thing to say.  One thing. Well...now that I've said all the rest of this, anyway.  I have one thing to say, and that thing is...          TO BE CONTINUED  HOME